Empty pockets

Photograph by Dan Moyle

The government recently scrapped a provision known as a ‘crisis loan’ – where people on benefits are loaned extra money (or their claim is fast-tracked) if they have suffered a grievous ill – like a flood in their house or an emergency operation. This no longer exists because Iain Duncan Smith and his superiors believe people should ‘get on’ – and so they should, it’s not like they have had any benefits bestowed upon them as a result of their birth. Below are notes taken from Cabinet blue-sky-thinking meetings searching for ways to cut the budget at the DWP:

First Up: The Disabled

Are you disabled? Of course you’re not. Do you have disabled friends? Don’t be ridiculous. Do disabled people exist? Quite possibly. These are some of the discussions that have taken place around the cabinet table. We’ve looked at the disabled question and come up with a simple way of determining whether these claimants should receive money – it’s called the Stephen Hawking’s test. If you look like Stephen we’ll gladly find you a bedsit in Tottenham; if you don’t, Old Street tube underpass it is! On a side note we would readily help Stephen Hawking financially, because he is something of a disabled celebrity, but he’s OK for money according to his spokes-bot (lol!)

In all seriousness the amount of people claiming disability benefit is absurd. I read in the paper that people suffering from the blues (or chronic depression as the liberals seem to call it) are classified as disabled…well! We’ve all taken a drubbing at the wicket or brought the wrong bottle of scotch, but to skive off work because of that, some people are just beyond the pale (probably half of these claimants because they’re never up in time to see the sun!) Simple test for anyone claiming to be unable to work because of depression: show them that clip of Del Boy falling through that ruddy bar, if they don’t fall about laughing, then yes, they might have something wrong with them!

Secondly: Get Them Back to Work

Having to do things like cook, clean and fiddle expenses can be tiresome. The unemployed could make themselves jolly well useful by doing unpaid work for those of us who just want to get on. This certainly isn’t slavery. It’s about scroungers giving something back to their community/betters and learning something about discipline and hard work in the meantime. Waking up at midday and drinking a can of Special K might be ‘a bit of a laugh’ but why should I (man on the street) have to pay for it? It’s a win, win, win situation – normal people get a bit of assistance, the lazy get a purpose in life and…It’s a win, win situation.

I’d like to allay any fears this is modern day slavery, pure balderdash. Firstly, slaves were black and I’ve never seen a black person in my village. Secondly, most ‘slaves’ in the USA actually had a riotous old time, writing blues music, making their own brew..actually sounds like a pretty stress free life! But, look, this isn’t slavery. Yes it’s compulsory, no they won’t be getting paid and yes we’ll be tattooing bar-codes on their heads, but slavery? Pure red hysteria.

Thirdly: A Marriage of Convenience

What are the two biggest plagues upon modern Britain? Benefit riff-raff and single mothers, clearly. The latest of our brainstorming meetings produced this absolute smasher from Theresa May. If you’re a single mum, you probably don’t have much chance to meet a man now that Woolworths has shut, and lets face it, most men aren’t that attracted to your milk stained tracksuit – this is where the state can help. We, with our friends at (whichever one of those dating sites pay the biggest) will pair single mothers with male benefit claimants using their very modern compatibility technology, based upon whether you prefer staying in or going out, your favorite Tom Hanks film and if you’re a beer or cider drinker.

Once paired, the male claimant will be made to leave his home and move in with the appreciative female. It’s a beautiful idea, the child gets a loving new dad, the woman gets a hubby to take care of her and the man gets a bit of the old naughty naughty! The state also wins because we can then demolish the lucky sod’s old flea-pit and as Michael Gove so deliciously put it “whack a Tesco express straight up that arse”. The Guardian elite are sure to raise the “what if they don’t love each other” shtick, as a nation we need to ask ourselves one simple question: what’s more important, a few unhappy chavs or a thriving economy? That, as my great pal Barack Obama would say, is a non-brainer.

A press release from Labour says that Ed Miliband is against the majority of these policies.

Written by Dan McCormick
You can follow Dan McCormick on Twitter @mccormickdaniel

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